Baby Fever

Have I mentioned that I want another baby?

I know, it sounds crazy. We have all this stuff going on, and there is the liklihood that another pregnancy would be equally high risk...adding another child to this would be crazy, right?

That's why it's called Baby Fever.

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I'm back to trolling adoption sites, falling in love with children I haven't met. I'm charting temperatures (and approaching 3 months without ovulating). Fertility drugs and their accompanying mood swings were not fun...but I'll do it again, if that's what it takes (which it will....up to the point we are willing to go, which is to say, we're not doing IUI or IVF, but there are personal reasons for that that I don't want to get into here).

It's not as painful as before Acorn, but it's approaching the same intensity. It's not as sharp; it doesn't bring tears to my eyes to see pregnant women and newborns...but instead, a deep sense of longing.

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The other morning, I dreamed about being pregnant. About finding out I was pregnant. It was one of those amazingly detailed dreams that seem so real, it's hard to tell what reality is when you wake up. It was a dream involving finding out away from home, and having to tell other friends suffering infertility about it - something I didn't really have to do last time, because back then, all my friends who wanted babies already had them.

I used to trust dreams like this, but...I'd had so many dreams that my first child would be a girl, and instead I have a boy. So many dreams about 5 kids (always five) and yet I only have one....and his existance was "just barely." So many dreams about our business being wildly successful, and we've shut it down. So many dreams.....all wrong.

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And yet, I know that right now is not the right time. There are family plans in the works for early summer, and getting pregnant now would almost certainly mean missing out. And since it's not like it'll just happen, these things have to be planned, and if you're going to plan out the next year and a half of your life, you might as well try to make it convenient.

And who ever thought kids and convenience belonged in the same thought?