Sunday, November 13, 2011

This PICU stuff sucks

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

--Frank Herbert, Dune

It has been a long time since I've truely feared anything. Several years back, the request I finally brought to Big Dark & Scary when I thought I was ready for her was, "I cannot continue to live in fear of so many things, please help me."  The interesting, and somewhat unexpected, result of that discussion, was that I became aware of what things are worth fearing, which has the side effect of putting me back in control of the fear.

The possibilities here with Leaf? The ways this could go so terribly wrong?

Yeah. Those count as being worth fearing.

But not worth drowning in the fear, which is where I was yesterday. Today is marginally better on that front, even after a 3 am phone call letting me know that they drug the attending physician out of his bed at home to come consult after things again got worse yet again.

I've always liked the Litany Against Fear - it may be the only part of Dune I liked, because I really wasn't fond of any of the Dune novels when I read them in high school, and that's saying a lot for me, given my voracious reading of everything, but particularly sci-fi and fantasy.

And in terms of being mindful and's a good reminder that I can be afraid without losing myself in the fear. That in the end, the fear will pass by, and I'll still be standing here, no matter what happens.


  1. Though I'm not particularly religious, I've always found a modified serenity prayer to be a useful reminder when I'm very stressed or afraid:

    Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
    courage to change the things we can,
    and wisdom to know the difference.

  2. I'll light a candle for you once I get home.