We'd told people that we didn't care if our child was a boy or a girl (and, surprise, our "girl" was really a boy), just that our child was healthy.
Before Acorn was born, when things started to get rocky, I remembered reading that one of my matron Goddesses (who is not known for being the most motherly type) was frequently referred to in mythology as a goddess that people asked to watch over their children, in a "keep them safe or take them to you, so I at least know they're in good hands" kind of way. And without a second thought, I asked Her to bring us through this, with a healthy baby....or to take our baby and spare "her" all the suffering she might face otherwise.
It was a leap of faith that I'm not sure I could pull off today, but a realization reading other comments on a post on a special needs message board may have changed my mind on that front.
It's common for Christian folks to say that they've put the whole situation into God's hands - that He will do whatever he thinks is best. I think us Pagan folk have the benefit of having some ideas on how to manifest the things we need and want...and even as we attempt to do so, sometimes it turns out that we got what we needed, even if it wasn't quite the way we were expecting.
Looking back....it pains me to say this, but looking back I was so mad at Her, after Acorn's birth, for not protecting my tiny little guy from various surgeries and procedures and IVs and needles and on and on.
And yet here we are 2 1/2 year later, with a happy, healthy toddler (ok, yeah, he's still got a trach, but he's at least as healthy, or more healthy, than the kids of friends on the local natural parenting board, and at least as healthy as the kids at preschool). Most people meet him and think he's "normal" (whatever that means) until they realize he doesn't talk, which I know I couldn't say a year ago - or even 6 months ago.
And isn't that what I asked for? It's been a bit round about, and a bit touch-and-go, and a lot more complicated than we expected. But...we are coming through it all, healthy and whole.
So...maybe it's time to be a little more specific aboout what we want for Leaf, so we don't have to take such a meandering path to get to that point. A healthy full term pregnancy. A VBAC. A baby healthy enough to come home with me when I leave the hospital, without complications or additional follow-ups with specialists. A baby who breastfeeds easily. Milk that comes in quickly and a good milk supply with no fenugreek (I can't stand the smell of that stuff).
And I really wouldn't mind at all if it is a girl. :)